I Would Like To Be A Florist.

I had to be in Nashville early yesterday morning.  My appointment was at 9:00am for my psychological evaluation.  They asked me to be there 10 minutes early to fill out paperwork.  (I don’t understand why doctors do that.  Why not just give me an 8:50 appointment?)  Google maps told me I had a 59 minute drive.  With the required stop at McDonald’s for my 99 cent any size Diet Coke and accounting for traffic and a few minutes of “I am lost and have no idea where I am”, I figured I should be leaving my house no later than 7:30am.  My scheduling was perfect.  I arrived at my destination right on time after driving past it once and going around the block.

I thought I would be anxious about this visit.  I was nervous, but I felt that was a normal feeling.  Being alone and going to a strange place can cause me anxiety and a panicky feeling.  I didn’t get that at all.  Just the butterflies and uneasiness that can be typical in a situation like that.

   

I walked into the Athena office at exactly 8:50am.  I hope I scored some points for being prompt.  I filled out the required paperwork and settled in to wait for the psychologist who was going to evaluate me.  The waiting area was small and cozy complete with a nice aquarium with beautiful fish swimming about.  I watched a big orange fish slowly making a hole in the gravel by systematically picking up a few pieces in his mouth and swimming a few inches away and spitting it out.  I resisted the urge to reach in and smooth that dip in the gravel just so he would have to start over.  I didn’t think getting caught with my arm in the water would make a good impression.  It would have probably erased all the good points I got for being prompt.

About 9:10, a man walked out into the waiting room, shook my hand and told me his name.  I didn’t catch the name, but since he was carrying a file folder, I assumed he was the Dr.  It was a good guess.  He led me down the hall, walked into a small office and invited me to sit on his couch.  Phew.  I could breathe easier.  I was on home territory now.  I have done this before.  He made a little small talk but I was on to his game.  He was looking for crazy and I was there to be normal.  I think.  I didn’t mention the neurotic goldfish because I didn’t want him to feel insulted.  I was polite and sincere.

Finally down to the business at hand.  He explained that he was going to ask me a few questions – some of which would require more in depth answers and others that would be more of a checklist type and required only a yes or no answer.  After that, he would give me a stack of written tests, explain each of them to me and then take me to the “testing room” where I could complete the tests at my leisure.  By this point, I was getting a little more nervous.  I absolutely stink at Algebra.  Okay, I admit I have not been able to pass college level Algebra.  Despite several attempts.  I know in my heart that this is the end of road for me and weight loss surgery.  He is going to ask me to explain why 3x + 2y = 72.  I was doomed.

Trying not to express my complete disappointment, I just smile and nod.  He then explained that everything discussed in that little office was completely confidential.  Unless it involved child abuse or any mention of me indicating that I was going to harm myself or someone else upon leaving that office, he would not divulge anything I said to him.  If so much wasn’t riding on this evaluation, I could have had a blast with this guy.  Quickly remembering I needed to score points to make up for the upcoming Algebra exam, I decided not to mess with him too much.

 

He started out by asking me questions about the surgery – what did I know about the procedure, the recovery and how it was going to affect the rest of my life.  I have done my research and made sure he knew that.  The next questions were typical doctor type questions – but in no particular order.  “Have you ever had cancer?”  “How would you describe your home life?”  “Have you ever wanted to kill or harm someone?”  “Have you been diagnosed with tuberculosis?”  His last question was my absolute favorite.  “Have you ever been involved in a homicide?”  Missing my opportunity to have some fun, I responded truthfully – no.  He said, “Well, it’s not like I could tell anyone if you had.”  I am sure he was egging me on.  I didn’t fall for it.  Sneaky little shrink.

Next, he pulled out an impressive stack of papers.  My tests.  He went through the entire stack and explained each one to me.  NO Algebra!  I was home free!  I resisted the urge to stand up and dance a jig.  (It was easy to resist such an itch because I have no clue how to dance a jig.)  He asked if I had any questions and then escorted me to the “testing room”.  He told me to pick a table, have a seat and complete the tests – taking as much time as I needed – and then to drop the completed exams at the front desk on my way out.  He shook my hand and wished me well.

Trying not to read too much into the “pick a table” command, I confidently plopped down at the closest one.  I picked one of the two pencils out of the cup on the table and started with the top test.  My first exam required me to draw a clock with all 12 numbers.  Then, I was to draw the hands on the clock to indicate the time 11:10.  I understand the purpose of the tests.  They are trying to determine if you are able to follow directions, make sensible decisions and are mentally stable enough to undergo this life changing surgery.  For that reason, I followed instructions and drew the clock with all 12 numbers rather than the digital one that I really wanted to draw.  End of art class.

There were several pages of tests that were the standard “rate this on a scale of 1 to 5 with 1 being totally agree and 5 being totally disagree”.  Easy peasy stuff.

 

My favorite tests were the ones that required thought and were more of the intelligence type exams.  For example, what comes next?

A B C D _ 

82 235 1324 19 61_

Z A Y B X C ­_

The last test was the famous MMPI-2.  The Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory is just what the title indicates – a personality test.  Not sure what Minnesota has to do with this test.  I assume they just wanted something to be known for.  This test contains 567 statements that are as odd and random as anything I have ever seen.  They are all typed out in a booklet form.  I was advised that I was not to write in the booklet - as he opened it and indicated where those who had gone before me had ignored the admonition.  I was also given an answer sheet and instructed to indicate my response with either true or false by filling in the appropriate circle on the answer sheet with a pencil.  #2 lead, of course.

  

I only had to answer the first 370 questions/statements.  By this time, I had worn down the lead on both of the pencils in my cup and was trying to decide if I should snitch a pencil out of a cup on another desk.  Since random people were coming into the “testing room” at indiscriminate times (I am sure they were spying on me!), I opted to plod along with my dull pencil.  It was tedious and seemingly never ending.  I would love to see how I scored on this test.  I have found some of the statements online and have listed them here for your enjoyment. 

1. I like mechanics magazines.
2.  I have a good appetite.
3.  I wake up fresh & rested most mornings.
4.  I think I would like the work of a librarian.
5.  I am easily awakened by noise.
6.  I like to read newspaper articles on crime.
7.  My hands and feet are usually warm enough.
8.  My daily life is full of things that keep me interested.
9.  I am about as able to work as I ever was.
10. There seems to be a lump in my throat much of the time.
11. A person should try to understand his dreams and be guided by or take warning from them.
12. I enjoy detective or mystery stories.
13. I work under a great deal of tension.
14. I have diarrhea once a month or more.
15. Once in a while I think of things too bad to talk about.
16. I am sure I get a raw deal from life.
17. My father was a good man.
18. I am very seldom troubled by constipation.

My favorite question/statement on the MMPI-2 was:  I sometimes enjoy teasing animals.

 

I was never so glad I didn’t mess with that darn goldfish and his gravel!

Results to the Surgeon by Friday.  I hope I passed.

 

Once again, I am reassured that there is no real need to understand Algebra.